Brothers and Sisters and Parents. Oh My.

Senior Lifestyle

By Carol Combs, MSW, Oxford’s Memory Care Coordinator

Caring for a parent is hard. And sometimes, often in spite of the best of intentions, siblings can make that care more complicated. Often, one child becomes the primary caregiver for a parent and may become resentful that other siblings aren’t helping as much as they could. Some siblings may skirt caregiving responsibilities with excuses of “I don’t have enough time,” or “I just don’t have the money.” Sometimes one sibling might refuse help or advice from others, certain they can best handle things by themselves.

Many families don’t take time to consider the best supporting role each member could play while caring for a parent. There is a lot to do, but by supporting each other and sharing responsibilities, families can make caregiving a success. Share the load. Pitch in. There are always ways to help. Make phone calls, offer emotional support, run errands, or simply give someone a break.

When it comes to caring for a parent, brothers and sisters have to work together, and communication is the key to working together.

Family meetings can be instrumental in determining roles, pooling resources, and allowing everyone a voice. Open communication is the best way to overcome disagreements, resolve conflict, and reach consensus on the hard decisions your family faces.

But teamwork takes effort. There may be disagreement on what is best for your parent. Conflicts may arise out of present anxiety and fear of what lies ahead. Caring for a parent may re-ignite sibling rivalries thought long since over.

The best way to handle these struggles is often to simply acknowledge them and discuss them honestly. Admit your concerns and limitations, and embrace those of your brothers and sisters. Remember that you’re all after the same thing: what is best for your parent.

Sometimes it is best to agree to disagree. If you reach an impasse, consider involving an impartial observer, such as a social worker or counselor who can help families work through issues and stay focused on the task at hand.

Consider these tips for winning support from your siblings:

  • Ask for help clearly and directly. Be specific.
  • Be realistic—don’t ask for the impossible.
  • Try to accept your siblings as who they are, not who you wish they were.
  • Listen to your siblings’ concerns openly, without judgment, and carefully consider their feedback.
  • Consider the relationship your sibling has with your parent and look for tasks that work within that relationship. If your sister can’t be with mom for long without arguing, send her out shopping, or ask her to do some paperwork.
  • Be careful how you ask for help. If your tone reflects anger, your brothers and sisters are more likely to react in unhelpful ways.
  • Avoid making your siblings feel guilty. Guilt makes people uncomfortable and defensive, which only hurts things in the long run.
  • If your family isn’t able to assist with caregiving, explore outside resources for help.
  • Perhaps most importantly, be sure to take care of yourself. You have to be healthy to be up to the challenge of caregiving.

Families have long, complicated histories, and with the challenges of caregiving it is often hard to communicate without overreacting or misinterpreting. Dealing with siblings over parent care can be difficult, complex and emotional, but it is important to understand your emotions and to try to have sympathy for your siblings’ feelings as well, even when you disagree.

Family dynamics were in place prior to the need for parent care, and you may not be able to resolve existing conflicts to your satisfaction right now. The important thing now is to get support for yourself so you can find peace during your caregiving journey.

Oxford Health Care offers numerous home care programs that can provide you the help, support and relief you need, so you can enjoy time with your loved one and continue to care for them at home. If you have questions, our Care Coordinators will be happy to assist you.

Be Informed for the Better During Stress Awareness Month

By Carol Combs, MSW, Oxford’s Memory Care Program Coordinator

 

Stress is defined as mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or very demanding circumstances. Stress is inevitable—everyone deals with it. So, during Stress Awareness Month, it is an excellent time to learn more, recognize stressors, practice stress relief and get help as needed.

 

Stress isn’t all negative; positive stress can motivate and help with concentration. Setting goals and accomplishing them feels good and rejuvenates the mind and body for the next challenge.

 

However, most of the time, stress is associated with something difficult or negative. When stress becomes a way of life, it is very hard to relax and recover. When stress becomes chronic, a person’s physical and emotional health suffers.

 

Caregiving is a demanding and stressful role. Being a caregiver can be an extremely rewarding and gratifying experience, but it can also be daunting, challenging, exhausting and overwhelming—especially if caring for someone who is ill.

 

Whether you are caring for someone daily, occasionally, long distance or 24 hours a day, there will be stress. While you may not be able to change the situation, there are steps to help manage the emotional, physical and mental impact.

 

First, it helps to recognize what personally stresses you. The body treats these stressors as threats, which prompts the adrenal glands to release a surge of adrenaline and cortisol.

 

Adrenaline increases heart rate, elevates blood pressure and boosts energy supplies. Cortisol, the primary stress hormone, increases sugars (glucose) in the bloodstream. It alters the immune system responses and suppresses the digestive system, the reproductive system and growth processes. This complex, natural alarm system also communicates with regions of the brain that control mood, motivation and fear.

 

When under constant stress, the body’s fight-or-flight reaction stays on alert. The long-term activation of the stress-response system and the overexposure to cortisol and other stress hormones can disrupt almost all of the body’s processes.

 

When under this kind of negative, constant stress, there is a significant risk of numerous health problems, including:

  • Anxiety and depression
  • Compromised immune system
  • Digestive problems
  • Heart disease and increased blood pressure
  • Sleep problems
  • Weight fluctuation
  • Memory and concentration impairment

 

Due to the health risks, it is very important for caregivers to learn healthy ways to cope with stress.

 

Stress management strategies include:

  • Eating a healthy diet, exercising regularly and getting enough sleep
  • Practicing relaxation techniques or learning to meditate
  • Fostering healthy friendships
  • Laughing—have a sense of humor
  • Keeping a journal—jot down thoughts as an emotional outlet
  • Seeking professional counseling when needed
  • Educating yourself—become informed about stress, disease process, etc.
  • Utilizing community resources that offer assistance and support
  • Visiting your doctor regularly
  • Finding opportunities for Respite Care—Oxford HealthCare can help
  • Chewing gum—studies have shown this simple act can lower anxiety and ease stress
  • Reminding yourself of comforting phrases that speak to you personally—God won’t give us more than we can handle. This too shall pass. Serenity Prayer. I can do this. Encourage yourself the way you would a friend.
  • Believing in yourself—find the necessary means to withstand stress and look forward to brighter days ahead.

 

Although April is officially Stress Awareness Month, we all know that stress affects us in some way, every day, year round. If you are a caregiver, it is extremely important that you also care for yourself. Oxford HealthCare offers numerous home care programs that provide the help, support and relief you need, so you may enjoy time with your loved one and continue to provide care at home. If you need help or have questions, contact an Oxford Care Coordinator.